Part 3----- The plus sign

The next week Lulu sat down on the bed waiting for her mother to get back from the pharmacy. She wrapped her arms around her knees, trapping them and then rested her chin on it. She thought hard and deeply about what this could mean and what would happen if her suspicions were right.

Turning around to lay down on her bed, Lulu caught a glimpse of herself in her mirror. Her Betty Boop pyjamas were worn and she hadn't washed her hair for over a week it looked a mess and so greasy. Her eyes were puffy but she had become used to that style by now. She was a mess, there was no doubt of that. Inside and out Lulu looked like she was going through hell and anyone who knew her would be shocked at her appearance now. Laying back on the bed Lulu fought off the naseau she was feeling, she was going to wait until her mother came back and then she could pretend it was all a bad dream.

Shutting her eyes tight Lulu had dug her nails into the palm of her hand. The cause of this, the night of her rape the images were flashing inside her head no matter how hard she tried to block it out. It had scarred her so deeply and she still cried from fear most nights. She was scared of what was going to happen next, her future was so uncertain. She had so many dreams and hopes for the future but now it may never come true. That scared her, being uncertain not knowing what would happen next and which way she was going to go.

As her mother entered the room holding the pharmacy plastic bag delicately, Lulu grew even more frightened. Quickly taking out the box she rushed into the bathroom, to get this over with, praying with all her heart that it wasn't true. Wasn't everything she had been through already enough to last her a lifetime?

As she walked slowly in her room holding the stick her mother reached out to hold her, but Lulu pulled back. No words were spoken and each of them stared at the clock the gentle tick-tick-tick of the handle as it moved foward. The longest 2 minutes of her life and each second Lulu could feel her heart pound harder and harder, she swallowed the big lump caught in her throat that wouldn't go away. Slowly she turned over the stick with her shakey hands.



Slowly she watched the two lines appearing, a small pink plus sign. It was positive, She was carrying the child of the man she never knew. A man she only knew that had taken away her future, destroyed her life and now left her a reminder forever. Lulu was unmarried, she had been viciously raped and was now pregnant.

Holding the positive test she felt her knees weaken and the images around her start to blur, her mother's pale face and her mouth forming words she could not hear. The loudest buzzing had filled her ears and Lulu collapsed to the floor before the world went black.



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Love;** thank uu soo much for commenting on my posts wallah u dont know how much it means to me to know at least one person is enjoying what i write thank uu 7ayatii!


Madrii if the posts are okay or should i make them longer? Bss that would mean not everyday ;p.. please i need opnions!

Part 2----- (2 months, 2 weeks and 3 days)

'She' was Lujayn, mostly she went by Lulu and for one special person she was joony.

For nearly 2 months she did not move from her bed, it was her safe haven. Slowly Lulu pushed everyone away, the calls stopped, eventually no one wanted to know anymore. The people who cared most about her had stopped wondering.. it had been 2 months of silence from her.

Lulu was not one of those drop dead gorgeous girls that had a million friends and always something to do. She was shy, she only kept around her a close circle of friends that she could trust. She was one of those innoncent faces that was sweet, that you wanted to know and to see her adorable smile.

She peeked at the clock telling her it was 5am, Lulu considered getting out of bed until she thought 'what would be the point?' She had no one anymore and it hurt her to be this lonely but she knew that she couldn't share her pain with anyone else.









-------------------2 weeks later--------------------------





Today was a good day, she awoke at 2pm feeling refreshed. For the first time in a long time Lulu wanted to do something productive. She felt like today was a new beginning for her where she was going to let go of the past and finally move on. Slowly she got up and walked towards the patch of sunlight creeping in that had annoyed her for so long. Opening the curtains slowly, it did make her eyes hurt but it also made her smile. The cute dimpled smile that had long been lost beneath the tears.

Coming out of the shower she started to hum while picking out clothes. Her black skinny jeans with a plain white shirt, she left her wavy brown hair down and drew on some eyeliner. Lulu was back, deciding that she had to block out everything that happened. To make sure she had no reminder of all the things that hurt her.

Her parents were overjoyed to see their darling Lulu back, they ushered her to the table they made her laugh, told her the latest news. Forced her to take a second helping of everything, made all sorts of plans for the evening, encouraged her to call the people she worked so hard to push away. They had their daughter back, not the empty broken girl they had been watching for the last 2 months, watching her hurt and knowing there was nothing that they could do except give her time and they were right and their hearts filled with joy that she was laughing and smiling with them once again.

After a filling lunch, she went upstairs and lay on her bed.. she was feeling dizzy. Running to the bathroom she threw up in the sink and sat down on the cold tiled floor. As she tried to think of what she ate that could have made her sick the coolness of the tiles made her shiver. As she thought harder and harder, her brain began to numb. The explanation she thought of was so ridiculous it couldn't be true.

Filled with foreboding, Lulu left the bathroom with each step feeling heavier and heavier she found her phone. Slowly making her way to the calender she scrolled up, and up and further up.. to the month that nearly destroyed her. Her eyes filled up and she knew these tears were not out of sadness, but fear. Clutching the phone tighter she suddenly threw it and it smashed against the wall. Watching it break Lulu just stared, this is what is going to become of her life. The crumbling pieces of her phone falling on the floor, all the optomism of earlier in the day was drained away.

Lulu didn't realise how loud she was crying or that she looked like a insane person, rocking back and forth on the floor. Her mother walked in and took one look and ran to her, Um Lulu was scared, her daughter was fine just an hour ago, she thought she had the happy carefree girl back.

Lulu just grabbed onto her mother for comfort and cried, she cried for the pain she had been through 2 months 2 weeks and 3 days ago, she cried for what she now knew to be her future sorrow and how she would never be able to get past it.















2 months 2 weeks and 3 days ago she had been raped.

Part 1------ Sunshine

In the darkness she could feel the vibrations of the phone beside her, too exhausted to reach out she squinted her eyes and saw the familiar name flashing across the screen. She shut her eyes again, waiting until she could feel the vibrations stop. Pulling up the covers over her head she ignored the space in her curtains where sunlight was coming in. She wanted to move and close it, to block out any reminder of the world outside her room but she was too tired. The tiny patch of light made her head hurt and she knew if she opened her eyes it would surely blind her. Her soul was hurting, that exhausted her more.

Someone was opening the door, timidly poking their head in. She wanted to scream, to cry, to let them hear her pain. She wanted to be left alone, she needed to be left alone. She kept her eyes shut, softly someone padded across the room to her bed and sat down.

'7abeebty, yalla goomay' her mother spoke in her soothing voice while stroking her hair the way only mothers knew how.

She remained silent. She wasn't sure she could speak even if she wanted to, but she didn't want to.

'Please, goomay, you've been in here too long.. lazam you get out of here... yalla please.' her mother began to plead with her. She heard the hurt tone, she knew her mother was crying. The tears started to burn her eyes, she was used to this pain by now. Her eyes felt puffy and swollen but she could only feel it, the dull pounding of her head was suddenly increased as the tears streamed down her face. She was so used to the constant stream of tears, she no longer noticed when she stopped or started.

Her mother sat with her a while longer, stroking her hair, knowing this day would be no better than the rest.. her daughter was not ready yet. It hurt her deeply knowing this kind of pain would never heal. She cried her silent tears, seeing the tears escaping her daughters closed eyes.

She heard her mother leave the room as quietly as she came in, knowing that soon she would hear the whispers of her father and mother talking in the next room. This made her tired and slowly she began to drift off to a peaceful place that she could escape this pain. She could feel her eyelashes against her cheeks and she fluttered her eyes open and closed. She was attempting to remain awake so she could hear the hushed conversation next door. It was a pointless battle, exhaustion was taking over and she slowly pulled the covers back up her soft fist resting on her cheek. She was curled into a ball, a position she barely moved from since she got into her bed.

She awoke suddenly to the vibrations of her phone, the sunlight had dimmed. She had learnt to tell time by the strength of the sun, she knew it was near 6 now. This time she had enough energy to reach out and once again squinting her eyes she saw another familiar name. She was pushing them away when they were desperate to reach out and help. But none of them could understand her pain, none of them even knew.

*210 missed calls*

Why couldn't they understand she needed to be left alone? Slowly she pushed the buttons making her way to her inbox, it was full. Each push of the button made her tired. She read the messages, her friends all begging her to let them know whats wrong, but they couldn't understand. Her heart stopped.. she saw his name and she opened his messages. She missed him, but she couldn't have him anymore. Everything had changed. She loved him and he loved her, but this pain was never ending and he couldn't fix it. No one could fix it.

Dropping her phone back on the bed she rolled over, the tears once again burned her eyes. She remembered how that day began, she remembered her old self.. how she ached for that girl again. She remembered his touch, his smile and the time they had. Then it all turned black, the thing she tried desperately to block out again and again, the thing that had caused all this. But by the end of the day when it all changed that girl was gone.

Slowly she closed her eyes again, she was too tired.









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This was just something i had to get down, I was thinking about it for a while and I really enjoyed writing it bss I need to know if anyone is liking this ya3ni what you think if i continued this as a story?

Lovefool xx

True Love

You know what the saddest thing is? When you realise your parents are not the true love of eachothers lives. Ya3nii my parents are mashallah very fond of eachother and get along great bss they weren't in love when they got married. I'm not against arranged marriages, if thats what suits you then I wish you all the luck and hope you would be very happy with them.

When My dad was 23 he fell in love with his 19 year old cousin oo they were so in love they wanted to get married right away bss the family didn't approve,, to many stupid reasons to explain. They planned on running away together bss they were caught and forced to stop seeing eachother. So though it broke both their hearts they ended the relationship, a year later my dad got married to my mom and his cousin never got over him. She never married oo is still in love with him until this day, even 25 years later.

Not so long ago I had to make an important decision regarding my future (someone had proposed oo very long story) and my mother told me the whole story, we went to visit this said cousin l2ana we're close to her family. My mama told me to just look at the way she looks at my dad and it will make me realise if what i'm doing is right or not. I looked and I saw she still loves him more than anything else. Its as if nothing else matters to her than being with him, you know the expression 'A blind man seeing the sun for the first time', though she never makes it obvious to someone inside and personally involved in the story you can see it. Thats why she could never get married oo thats why she barely talks to him though he is always the polite friend.

Oo my dad, he still cares for her alot. I don't think he'll ever forget how much he loved her bss he has other obligations now and I'm glad to say he is always happy with my mama and thats all we really need.

I don't really know why I told you guys that story bss it was going around in my head for a while ;P

Bliss...

You know what I find the most perfect thing in the world?




















Sitting outside with my delicious coffee... listening to the rain, and curled up with a warm blanket and good book. I can't think of a better way to spend my winter.



<3















You know what else I love?








The beach. Its one of my favourite places in the world, ya3nii I want to have a house on the beach, wake up each morning to the sound of the waves. Make sandcastles and write my name in the sand all day long. Adrii I sound like a 5 year old bss i love it ;P!! I really miss the beach right now cuz its too cold to go there.. *sighs*. The picture with the heart on the sand is by yours truly haha, I applaude my own drawing skills.

Well.. apart from the total randomness of the post thats it for now.. hope everyones having a great winter holiday!! =)

You don't have to call I won't pick up the phone this is the last straw, don't want to hurt anymore

Through the haze clouding my head there was a buzzing noise coming from the distance, I rolled over on the bed trying to ignore the ongoing buzzing. Finally I gave up and felt around in the dark my hand finding the cold metal of my mobile.

Me (voice really sleepy): Halooo?
Mr Man: Halaa2, I woke you up?
Me: Eeee
Mr Man: Asaf.. yalla go back to sleep
Me: Laa2 3adii I'm awake now anyways *yawns*
Mr Man: Okay, so how was your day galbii?
Me: Zaina.. oo intay?
Mr Man: Tamam
Mr Man: Inzain you told me that there was a book you wanted oo you couldn't find it anywhere so I ordered it for you last week ww it arrived today so I'll drop it off tomorow
Me: ....
Me: I told you about that book a MONTH ago
Mr Man: Eee, so?
Me: Laa2 nothing I'm just amazed you remembered!!
Mr Man: I Knew you really wanted it, its not a big deal
Me: It is, you found it for me when no one else could
Mr Man: Laa2 forget it, just something for you
Me: Your spoiling me [a]
Mr Man: You deserve it
Me: Hehe

We talked for a while longer, he was being sweet oo 5alas I already knew I was falling for him. It was like he was the perfect guy and it looked like he felt the same way about me bss he knew I wasn't ready for any type of relationship more than friendship.


Mr Man: Im gonna go find something to eat oo il call you back ba3d shway
Me: Eee okay
Mr Man: a7ibich wayid
Me: adrii
Mr Man: What I don't get an a7ibik?
Me: Laa2 you have to earn it darling
Mr Man: Ahaaa you'll see I'll earn your love someday, you won't be able to resist my charms
Me: Hehe I'd like to see that!
Mr Man: Eee you will


As we hung up the phone and I stared into the darkness, recalling our conversation which made me smile and blush into the pillow. I started to doze off again when the buzzing started again. Half asleep I answered without looking..


Me (smiling): ya 7iloo that was quick
Guy #2: ya 3umrii, what are you talking about?
Me: ...
Me: laaa2 I was waiting for Roora to call back
Guy #2: Ahhaaa... so how are you?? I miss you its been too long
Me: I'm fine, ee it has.

After nearly a month of silence, he decides to call me up out of the blue? It felt like the last month had never happened we talked like always and it was like everything bad had been erased.

Guy #2: 7abibti?
Me: Hmm?
Guy #2: a7ibich
Me: Awwww
Guy #2: Laa2 I LOVE YOU
ME: ...
Guy #2: I want to be with you
Me: No
Guy #2: Shino?
Me: You don't love me
Guy #2: I think I know my own feelings
Me: Laa2!! After a month of nothing you can't just tell me you love me and you want me, you can't do that!! Do you know how much it hurt when you just stopped talking to me? Ya3nii nearly 5 years of friendship mean nothing to you??!


I had burst, I could feel the tears burning in my eyes and my throat start to ache from holding it all back. I had to let it out, my mind was spinning in circles. I was gettin over Guy #2 and now he decides he wants me? I couldn't do it.


Guy #2: Laa2 of course they meant everything to me. 7ayatii I only stopped talking to you because I didn't want to ruin the friendship with my feelings getting in the way oo bss thats all and I decided to take a chance now. I don't want to be with anyone but you, you're all I want.

I started to choke on my own tears, it just didn't make any sense to me.. he LOVED me. Like I always loved him, like I always wished he loved me. I couldn't believe it. I thought I was done waiting for him, it didn't hurt so much anymore when I thought about him. I always secretly hoped we could fix our friendship and bring it back to the way it was. For the first week after he stopped talking to me I was heartbroken but I had moved on! What was he doing messing with my feelings again? I couldn't take him leaving me again. No matter what was between us now I will always love him maybe just as a friend, maybe more. I had always imagined him saying those things and dreamed of the millions of the way he would tell he would always be true to me. I was trying to find the right words from the millions of thoughts in my head to tell him... he was waiting. I had no idea what he was thinking and I wanted to know why he was doing this to me again.

I was torn a big part of me wanted to tell him NO, I wanted to hurt him the way that he hurt me so many times. But then there was the little voice inside my head saying: yes tell him YES. He was still waiting...





Then the phone beeped into my ear, I pulled away and stared













*Incoming call Mr Man*

True goodbyes are the ones never said or explained

Sorrry I haven't posted in a while bss exams are coming up oo iv been trying to study (trying being the key word)

I think it's officialy over with Guy #2 for good. I don't really know, after the last time he's distanced himself from me and he won't talk to me like he did before. I'm kind of glad that this is all over bss I'm also sad in a way I lost a really close friend..
Also I'm driving myself crazy =P adrii its stupid bss I can't help it. What was so wrong with me that he decided to stop?? Did he find someone else or was he just bored with me? I tried confronting him about this:

Me: Halaa2
Guy #2: hi
Me: How are you??
Guy #2: good.. u?
Me: How was ur day?
Guy #2: Good.. urs?
Me: Gooooood bss im really bored theres nothin to do ;(
Guy #2: Aww
Me: ...whats wrong?
Guy #2: nothing
Me: Then talk 3dil!!!
Guy #2: I am
Me: ya3nii ur acting like I'm annoying u
Guy #2: laa2
Me: Oh okay

Thats my confrontation... akeed it doesn't look like much but this how its been for the past week and its driving me nuts so I just give up and I'll try to get on without him.

Bss I really miss him.. I miss how he made me laugh, even how he made me cry sometimes cuz when he tried to make up for it he really made me happy. I miss our stupid conversations and the way that I could understand him and what he was thinking. I don't know what to make of this new Guy #2 its like someones come and replaced my Guy #2 with a stranger I don't know.

I'm not going to give up the friendship I just hope I don't push it too far that he just stops talking to me.

Well thats pretty much it for now.. I notice I haven't gotten any answers from my previous post about the long distance relationship stuff.. have I lost everyones interest? :(