Monday, June 15, 2009

Part 5 ----- Some things are best left forgotten

Warning: This post is explicit (meaning its going to contain sex and that type of stuff) so don't say I didn't warn you!!!


'Joonyyy please, just for 10 minutes, I need to see you I miss you' 3bdullah was begging her. When he said things like that, she just melted. She couldn't resist anything he asked. Still she hesitated, she knew that it was wrong, but she trusted him.

'Okay, meet me at the jame3ya in an hour'

Lulu quickly brushed through her already straightened hair and picked out a simple white knee length dress. She applied some light lipgloss and mascara, she rushed out the house with her phone in her hand. It took her 10 minutes to reach the jame3ya and she sat in her car, fidgeting nervously. She wasn't sure what to do, her heart was beating rapidly because she had never done anything like this before.


'Baby I'm next to you, come in my car.'

Lulu turned off the engine and taking a deep breath she opened the door and saw her 3boudy, she looked around nervously but finally got into his car. She was too embarassed to look at his face and just decided to look at her gold gladiator shoes and bite her thumb. She could feel him staring at her but he just sighed and started the car.

While they started to drive around ainlessly she finally got up the courage to look at his face, he smiled and immediately she felt relaxed. His hand was lying there near her, she reached for it and fited her hand into his. He started stroking the back of her hand and this made her shiver. Lulu couldn't imagine feeling this way ever again or with anyone else, she didn't feel that overwhelming guilt of being alone in a car with a guy anymore. It felt right at that moment, and thats all that mattered to her.

They just drove around in silence until he parked his car in a remote area and turned to face her. Slowly he raised his hands to her face and closed the space in between them. Lulu held her breath as she saw him coming closer and she closed her eyes. Slowly she felt his lips touch hers, it was a soft gentle kiss and she responded the same way. Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck and she pulled herself closer. Slowly they kissed until she loosened her grip and backed away. She was out of breath but she had never felt happier. She finally opened her eyes to see him smiling. She leaned foward and pecked his lips then sat back against the seat, leaning on the window she sighed. He started the car again, keeping her hand in his the whole time.

3bdullah dropped Lulu a little outside the jame3ya so she had to walk back to her car. He wanted to follow her home to make sure she got there safe but he was already late to '3ada at his grandparents house, so he left in a hurry. As she was walking back to her car, suddenly a tinted black jeep pulled up beside her. The guy got out of the car and started to push her in. She barely undertstood what was happening and started to scream until he covered her mouth with his hand. Lulu felt like she was suffocating and tried fighting but it was useless, he was just too strong for her. He pushed her into the car and locked the doors. There was another man in the backseat holding her making sure that she couldn't get away or even scream for help. Lulu was terrified she didn't know what was happening. She just struggled with the man holding her until he started to hold her tighter which hurt her. The tears were running down her face and she just stayed limp and prayed and prayed for someone to help her.

Lulu didn't know where they were going she couldn't see outside. Inside her head she just kept praying for God to help her, she promised that she would never meet with 3bullah secretly again. She was so scared, this would be her punishment for lying to her parents and betraying her religion? Lulu knew she didn't deserve anything as bad as what she feared was going to happen to her. The car jerked to a stop and they were in the middle of nowhere with a tent flapping in the wind. Roughly the two men pushed her into the tent. She started to scream again, hoping that anyone would hear her but it was useless. They made her lie down on her back and Lulu knew what was about to happen now but couldn't do anything to stop it.

The man who sat on top of her was wearing a blue polo with black shorts, she couldn't look at his face as he roughly lifted up her dress and pulled her underwear down. She cried as he unzipped his pants, they were both laughing at her pain and laughing cruelly. He began to enter her and she cried out, it was hurting her and the more she begged for him to stop, the harder he pushed. Again and again he thurst into her, each thrust brought another wave of pain. He was exploring her body, reaching under her bra and grabbing her breasts. When she tried to push him away it only made him angry and he slapped her and pushed into her harder. He continued to beat her until she just gave up and closed her eyes hoping it would be over soon.

Suddenly a weight felt like it had been taken off of her and she was about to open her eyes until a heavier body replaced the weight. She could already feel his excitment, he was hard against her body and his lips found his way to hers. She felt disgusted, she could smell the cigarette on his breath and he forced her lips open, his tounge exploring the inside of her mouth. Lulu wanted to throw up she wanted to scream but she felt suffocated. Suddenly he entered her as well, he was even rougher pushing harder and harder against her. He began moaning until she felt something hot and sticky burst out of him. This more than anything frightened her, she didn't know what had just happened why this time felt strange. The man rolled off of her and let out a satisfied sigh.

They roughly picked her up and she felt so dizzy that she nearly fell, her dress was soaked with her own blood. The men started to whisper and one of them picked her up gently from under the legs and she leaned her head against his chest. This was the first sign of any compassion she recieved. Lulu was too tired to fight them any longer, her whole body was aching. Soon they were back at the jame3ya and she barely made it to her car, she laid in the backseat and cried herself to sleep.

That was the condition her mother found her in a few hours later, she can still remember her mother's shocked face, the tears in her eyes. It happened nearly 3 months ago but it felt like just yesterday to her, she cried again. It had scarred her and she was afraid she would never heal. Lulu still loved 3bdullah with all her heart and never blamed him for what had happened, it had been the happiest day of her life the time she had spent with him. But the rest had just overwhelmed her. She couldn't tell him, she was so ashamed and afraid he wouldn't accept her after what had happened. She still remembered the way he smelt and how it felt when he had touched her and kissed her. So Lulu just decided to push her 3boudy away and figure out what was going to become of her. All she knew is now she had to go on living, not for herself but for the baby that she did not want but would never give up.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Part 4 ----- Dream as you'll live forever, live as though you'll die today

'I love you' he whispered over the phone, his voice low. She immediately stopped smiling and twisting her hair, sitting straight up in bed. She started chewing her thumb, Lulu always did that when she was nervous. She wasn't sure how to respond, she liked him of course. But did she love him? He was nicer than any of the other guys she had ever been with. Though she had only been with 3, none of them had worked out. But 3boud.. he was different. He made her feel like she was the most special person on earth.

He was still on the phone, she could feel him holding his breath waiting for a reply.
'I- uh- 3boudy...' was all she managed to stutter out. They had known eachother for more than 2 years, it had only turned into something more a few months ago.

'7abeebty its okay, you don't have to say it back I just wanted you to know how I feel' he said it so softly, so sweetly. It gave her butterflies and made her blush.

'Joony bss 5ala9 don't worry, now stop biting at your thumb, walla a7is one day your going to bite it all off' his tone had gone back to teasing just like before, the laughter was clear in his voice. Lulu immediately removed her thumb from her mouth.

'How did you know I was biting my thumb!'

'Because I made you nervous' his voice was very smug and he knew it. When she remained silent he continued in his teasing voice.

'I know you bite your thumb when your nervous, when your shocked your big beautiful eyes go all wide mashalla. When your confused you scrunch your nose up and squint you eyes. When your trying to be cute you start batting your eyes and play with your hair. When you find something really funny, the way you throw your head back and smile and giggle so innoncently. I know all these things about you joony thats how I know you were biting your thumb.'

There was only silence from her for another minute while she thought it over.

'I love you too' she stated clearly and without any doubts. What he had just said just proved it to her. She was not going to find anyone better, anyone who loved her more or anyone who so carefully watched she did. She loved him the only way she knew how, with her whole heart. She never did the 'I love yous' in any of her other relationships, there was no point. They are all flings out of curiousity. 3boud was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and she knew it now for sure.

'So thats what it takes to make you love me huh? Note everything you do and recite it back to you?' His voice was jokingly but she could sense the excitment underneath it.

'Yeah it is, you should start writing a whole book on what I do and I'm yours forever'

'A7ibich joony'

'Amout feek 3boudy'

Lulu woke up with her words still ringing in her head and 3boud's voice. That was over 4 months ago. It was all just a dream of her memories, memories that just made her cry all over again. She missed her 3boud, she felt so lost without him.

Lulu reached for her phone and dialled his number. He picked up immediately and was silent. Lulu just cried and cried, listening to him breathing. He sighed deeply.

'Lulu you can't keep doing this okay? First you disappear for 3 months oo now you just call and cry? Next time don't call unless your actually willing to talk.' He snapped and the next thing she heard was the dial tone. She didn't blame him, he was so confused by all of this and he just wanted to help her. He was the only one who didn't stop calling after all the silence. Everyday he called once, the usual time he would call when he wanted to say goodnight.

Lulu walked to her mirror and lifted her shirt up, she turned sideways and experimented sucking her stomach in. There was definately a hint of a baby bump, there was no denying it. Gently, she poked her stomach, wondering if the baby could feel that. Putting her shirt back down she just sat on the floor cross-legged, thinking of what she could do. She had already thought about it, she hadn't discussed her plans with her mother. Lulu could not give up this baby, no matter the way it was concieved she could not do anything to something inside of her with a heartbeat.

Her mother walked in suddenly with tickets in her hand. Passports in the other hand. She waved them at Lulu, who just stared at her confused.

'Lulu 7abeebty, your father and I talked about your situation. We can't let you go through with this. We're going to america next week, where you can get rid of the... thing.' She spoked decisively with a firm edge, she was usually a gentle woman.

Lulu just stared at her, she could not believe her mother would say such things. The woman who raised her to always follow what she believed in? When she called her baby a thing.. how dare she call it a thing? Lulu got up suddenly furious.

'LA2!! I WON'T GO WITH YOU! I'M NOT GOING TO KILL MY BABY!! MY BABY IS NOT A THING!!!' She was so angry only an inch away from her mother, her hands were waving all over the place.


'I've made up my mind. I will not do anything to this baby.' Lulu stood with her arms crossed, when suddenly her mother slapped her across the face. It was a strong, forceful slap and it stung Lulu's face. The blood went rushing to her cheek and she gasped. Her mother stormed out the room and slammed the door. Her mother had never hit her before.

Sinking down to the floor, she lay down exhausted. She had no one on her side and now she was to be an outcast from her own family. Slowly her eyes began to shut and she replayed the memory again, how this all happened...

Monday, June 8, 2009

So heres the thing...

Ellooo Elloooo all *innoncent face*

I know I've been a very bad blogger oo I've just started! Bss after starting the first few parts i realised it wasn't the smartest move to start right before my exams thats why I've been away. Bss i finished everything now and typing up the next part fa it will posted bil lail inshalla

Love you alll

Lovefool xx

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Part 3----- The plus sign

The next week Lulu sat down on the bed waiting for her mother to get back from the pharmacy. She wrapped her arms around her knees, trapping them and then rested her chin on it. She thought hard and deeply about what this could mean and what would happen if her suspicions were right.

Turning around to lay down on her bed, Lulu caught a glimpse of herself in her mirror. Her Betty Boop pyjamas were worn and she hadn't washed her hair for over a week it looked a mess and so greasy. Her eyes were puffy but she had become used to that style by now. She was a mess, there was no doubt of that. Inside and out Lulu looked like she was going through hell and anyone who knew her would be shocked at her appearance now. Laying back on the bed Lulu fought off the naseau she was feeling, she was going to wait until her mother came back and then she could pretend it was all a bad dream.

Shutting her eyes tight Lulu had dug her nails into the palm of her hand. The cause of this, the night of her rape the images were flashing inside her head no matter how hard she tried to block it out. It had scarred her so deeply and she still cried from fear most nights. She was scared of what was going to happen next, her future was so uncertain. She had so many dreams and hopes for the future but now it may never come true. That scared her, being uncertain not knowing what would happen next and which way she was going to go.

As her mother entered the room holding the pharmacy plastic bag delicately, Lulu grew even more frightened. Quickly taking out the box she rushed into the bathroom, to get this over with, praying with all her heart that it wasn't true. Wasn't everything she had been through already enough to last her a lifetime?

As she walked slowly in her room holding the stick her mother reached out to hold her, but Lulu pulled back. No words were spoken and each of them stared at the clock the gentle tick-tick-tick of the handle as it moved foward. The longest 2 minutes of her life and each second Lulu could feel her heart pound harder and harder, she swallowed the big lump caught in her throat that wouldn't go away. Slowly she turned over the stick with her shakey hands.

Slowly she watched the two lines appearing, a small pink plus sign. It was positive, She was carrying the child of the man she never knew. A man she only knew that had taken away her future, destroyed her life and now left her a reminder forever. Lulu was unmarried, she had been viciously raped and was now pregnant.

Holding the positive test she felt her knees weaken and the images around her start to blur, her mother's pale face and her mouth forming words she could not hear. The loudest buzzing had filled her ears and Lulu collapsed to the floor before the world went black.


Love;** thank uu soo much for commenting on my posts wallah u dont know how much it means to me to know at least one person is enjoying what i write thank uu 7ayatii!

Madrii if the posts are okay or should i make them longer? Bss that would mean not everyday ;p.. please i need opnions!

Part 2----- (2 months, 2 weeks and 3 days)

'She' was Lujayn, mostly she went by Lulu and for one special person she was joony.

For nearly 2 months she did not move from her bed, it was her safe haven. Slowly Lulu pushed everyone away, the calls stopped, eventually no one wanted to know anymore. The people who cared most about her had stopped wondering.. it had been 2 months of silence from her.

Lulu was not one of those drop dead gorgeous girls that had a million friends and always something to do. She was shy, she only kept around her a close circle of friends that she could trust. She was one of those innoncent faces that was sweet, that you wanted to know and to see her adorable smile.

She peeked at the clock telling her it was 5am, Lulu considered getting out of bed until she thought 'what would be the point?' She had no one anymore and it hurt her to be this lonely but she knew that she couldn't share her pain with anyone else.

-------------------2 weeks later--------------------------

Today was a good day, she awoke at 2pm feeling refreshed. For the first time in a long time Lulu wanted to do something productive. She felt like today was a new beginning for her where she was going to let go of the past and finally move on. Slowly she got up and walked towards the patch of sunlight creeping in that had annoyed her for so long. Opening the curtains slowly, it did make her eyes hurt but it also made her smile. The cute dimpled smile that had long been lost beneath the tears.

Coming out of the shower she started to hum while picking out clothes. Her black skinny jeans with a plain white shirt, she left her wavy brown hair down and drew on some eyeliner. Lulu was back, deciding that she had to block out everything that happened. To make sure she had no reminder of all the things that hurt her.

Her parents were overjoyed to see their darling Lulu back, they ushered her to the table they made her laugh, told her the latest news. Forced her to take a second helping of everything, made all sorts of plans for the evening, encouraged her to call the people she worked so hard to push away. They had their daughter back, not the empty broken girl they had been watching for the last 2 months, watching her hurt and knowing there was nothing that they could do except give her time and they were right and their hearts filled with joy that she was laughing and smiling with them once again.

After a filling lunch, she went upstairs and lay on her bed.. she was feeling dizzy. Running to the bathroom she threw up in the sink and sat down on the cold tiled floor. As she tried to think of what she ate that could have made her sick the coolness of the tiles made her shiver. As she thought harder and harder, her brain began to numb. The explanation she thought of was so ridiculous it couldn't be true.

Filled with foreboding, Lulu left the bathroom with each step feeling heavier and heavier she found her phone. Slowly making her way to the calender she scrolled up, and up and further up.. to the month that nearly destroyed her. Her eyes filled up and she knew these tears were not out of sadness, but fear. Clutching the phone tighter she suddenly threw it and it smashed against the wall. Watching it break Lulu just stared, this is what is going to become of her life. The crumbling pieces of her phone falling on the floor, all the optomism of earlier in the day was drained away.

Lulu didn't realise how loud she was crying or that she looked like a insane person, rocking back and forth on the floor. Her mother walked in and took one look and ran to her, Um Lulu was scared, her daughter was fine just an hour ago, she thought she had the happy carefree girl back.

Lulu just grabbed onto her mother for comfort and cried, she cried for the pain she had been through 2 months 2 weeks and 3 days ago, she cried for what she now knew to be her future sorrow and how she would never be able to get past it.

2 months 2 weeks and 3 days ago she had been raped.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Part 1------ Sunshine

In the darkness she could feel the vibrations of the phone beside her, too exhausted to reach out she squinted her eyes and saw the familiar name flashing across the screen. She shut her eyes again, waiting until she could feel the vibrations stop. Pulling up the covers over her head she ignored the space in her curtains where sunlight was coming in. She wanted to move and close it, to block out any reminder of the world outside her room but she was too tired. The tiny patch of light made her head hurt and she knew if she opened her eyes it would surely blind her. Her soul was hurting, that exhausted her more.

Someone was opening the door, timidly poking their head in. She wanted to scream, to cry, to let them hear her pain. She wanted to be left alone, she needed to be left alone. She kept her eyes shut, softly someone padded across the room to her bed and sat down.

'7abeebty, yalla goomay' her mother spoke in her soothing voice while stroking her hair the way only mothers knew how.

She remained silent. She wasn't sure she could speak even if she wanted to, but she didn't want to.

'Please, goomay, you've been in here too long.. lazam you get out of here... yalla please.' her mother began to plead with her. She heard the hurt tone, she knew her mother was crying. The tears started to burn her eyes, she was used to this pain by now. Her eyes felt puffy and swollen but she could only feel it, the dull pounding of her head was suddenly increased as the tears streamed down her face. She was so used to the constant stream of tears, she no longer noticed when she stopped or started.

Her mother sat with her a while longer, stroking her hair, knowing this day would be no better than the rest.. her daughter was not ready yet. It hurt her deeply knowing this kind of pain would never heal. She cried her silent tears, seeing the tears escaping her daughters closed eyes.

She heard her mother leave the room as quietly as she came in, knowing that soon she would hear the whispers of her father and mother talking in the next room. This made her tired and slowly she began to drift off to a peaceful place that she could escape this pain. She could feel her eyelashes against her cheeks and she fluttered her eyes open and closed. She was attempting to remain awake so she could hear the hushed conversation next door. It was a pointless battle, exhaustion was taking over and she slowly pulled the covers back up her soft fist resting on her cheek. She was curled into a ball, a position she barely moved from since she got into her bed.

She awoke suddenly to the vibrations of her phone, the sunlight had dimmed. She had learnt to tell time by the strength of the sun, she knew it was near 6 now. This time she had enough energy to reach out and once again squinting her eyes she saw another familiar name. She was pushing them away when they were desperate to reach out and help. But none of them could understand her pain, none of them even knew.

*210 missed calls*

Why couldn't they understand she needed to be left alone? Slowly she pushed the buttons making her way to her inbox, it was full. Each push of the button made her tired. She read the messages, her friends all begging her to let them know whats wrong, but they couldn't understand. Her heart stopped.. she saw his name and she opened his messages. She missed him, but she couldn't have him anymore. Everything had changed. She loved him and he loved her, but this pain was never ending and he couldn't fix it. No one could fix it.

Dropping her phone back on the bed she rolled over, the tears once again burned her eyes. She remembered how that day began, she remembered her old self.. how she ached for that girl again. She remembered his touch, his smile and the time they had. Then it all turned black, the thing she tried desperately to block out again and again, the thing that had caused all this. But by the end of the day when it all changed that girl was gone.

Slowly she closed her eyes again, she was too tired.


This was just something i had to get down, I was thinking about it for a while and I really enjoyed writing it bss I need to know if anyone is liking this ya3ni what you think if i continued this as a story?

Lovefool xx

Monday, February 2, 2009

True Love

You know what the saddest thing is? When you realise your parents are not the true love of eachothers lives. Ya3nii my parents are mashallah very fond of eachother and get along great bss they weren't in love when they got married. I'm not against arranged marriages, if thats what suits you then I wish you all the luck and hope you would be very happy with them.

When My dad was 23 he fell in love with his 19 year old cousin oo they were so in love they wanted to get married right away bss the family didn't approve,, to many stupid reasons to explain. They planned on running away together bss they were caught and forced to stop seeing eachother. So though it broke both their hearts they ended the relationship, a year later my dad got married to my mom and his cousin never got over him. She never married oo is still in love with him until this day, even 25 years later.

Not so long ago I had to make an important decision regarding my future (someone had proposed oo very long story) and my mother told me the whole story, we went to visit this said cousin l2ana we're close to her family. My mama told me to just look at the way she looks at my dad and it will make me realise if what i'm doing is right or not. I looked and I saw she still loves him more than anything else. Its as if nothing else matters to her than being with him, you know the expression 'A blind man seeing the sun for the first time', though she never makes it obvious to someone inside and personally involved in the story you can see it. Thats why she could never get married oo thats why she barely talks to him though he is always the polite friend.

Oo my dad, he still cares for her alot. I don't think he'll ever forget how much he loved her bss he has other obligations now and I'm glad to say he is always happy with my mama and thats all we really need.

I don't really know why I told you guys that story bss it was going around in my head for a while ;P