Bliss...

You know what I find the most perfect thing in the world?




















Sitting outside with my delicious coffee... listening to the rain, and curled up with a warm blanket and good book. I can't think of a better way to spend my winter.



<3















You know what else I love?








The beach. Its one of my favourite places in the world, ya3nii I want to have a house on the beach, wake up each morning to the sound of the waves. Make sandcastles and write my name in the sand all day long. Adrii I sound like a 5 year old bss i love it ;P!! I really miss the beach right now cuz its too cold to go there.. *sighs*. The picture with the heart on the sand is by yours truly haha, I applaude my own drawing skills.

Well.. apart from the total randomness of the post thats it for now.. hope everyones having a great winter holiday!! =)

You don't have to call I won't pick up the phone this is the last straw, don't want to hurt anymore

Through the haze clouding my head there was a buzzing noise coming from the distance, I rolled over on the bed trying to ignore the ongoing buzzing. Finally I gave up and felt around in the dark my hand finding the cold metal of my mobile.

Me (voice really sleepy): Halooo?
Mr Man: Halaa2, I woke you up?
Me: Eeee
Mr Man: Asaf.. yalla go back to sleep
Me: Laa2 3adii I'm awake now anyways *yawns*
Mr Man: Okay, so how was your day galbii?
Me: Zaina.. oo intay?
Mr Man: Tamam
Mr Man: Inzain you told me that there was a book you wanted oo you couldn't find it anywhere so I ordered it for you last week ww it arrived today so I'll drop it off tomorow
Me: ....
Me: I told you about that book a MONTH ago
Mr Man: Eee, so?
Me: Laa2 nothing I'm just amazed you remembered!!
Mr Man: I Knew you really wanted it, its not a big deal
Me: It is, you found it for me when no one else could
Mr Man: Laa2 forget it, just something for you
Me: Your spoiling me [a]
Mr Man: You deserve it
Me: Hehe

We talked for a while longer, he was being sweet oo 5alas I already knew I was falling for him. It was like he was the perfect guy and it looked like he felt the same way about me bss he knew I wasn't ready for any type of relationship more than friendship.


Mr Man: Im gonna go find something to eat oo il call you back ba3d shway
Me: Eee okay
Mr Man: a7ibich wayid
Me: adrii
Mr Man: What I don't get an a7ibik?
Me: Laa2 you have to earn it darling
Mr Man: Ahaaa you'll see I'll earn your love someday, you won't be able to resist my charms
Me: Hehe I'd like to see that!
Mr Man: Eee you will


As we hung up the phone and I stared into the darkness, recalling our conversation which made me smile and blush into the pillow. I started to doze off again when the buzzing started again. Half asleep I answered without looking..


Me (smiling): ya 7iloo that was quick
Guy #2: ya 3umrii, what are you talking about?
Me: ...
Me: laaa2 I was waiting for Roora to call back
Guy #2: Ahhaaa... so how are you?? I miss you its been too long
Me: I'm fine, ee it has.

After nearly a month of silence, he decides to call me up out of the blue? It felt like the last month had never happened we talked like always and it was like everything bad had been erased.

Guy #2: 7abibti?
Me: Hmm?
Guy #2: a7ibich
Me: Awwww
Guy #2: Laa2 I LOVE YOU
ME: ...
Guy #2: I want to be with you
Me: No
Guy #2: Shino?
Me: You don't love me
Guy #2: I think I know my own feelings
Me: Laa2!! After a month of nothing you can't just tell me you love me and you want me, you can't do that!! Do you know how much it hurt when you just stopped talking to me? Ya3nii nearly 5 years of friendship mean nothing to you??!


I had burst, I could feel the tears burning in my eyes and my throat start to ache from holding it all back. I had to let it out, my mind was spinning in circles. I was gettin over Guy #2 and now he decides he wants me? I couldn't do it.


Guy #2: Laa2 of course they meant everything to me. 7ayatii I only stopped talking to you because I didn't want to ruin the friendship with my feelings getting in the way oo bss thats all and I decided to take a chance now. I don't want to be with anyone but you, you're all I want.

I started to choke on my own tears, it just didn't make any sense to me.. he LOVED me. Like I always loved him, like I always wished he loved me. I couldn't believe it. I thought I was done waiting for him, it didn't hurt so much anymore when I thought about him. I always secretly hoped we could fix our friendship and bring it back to the way it was. For the first week after he stopped talking to me I was heartbroken but I had moved on! What was he doing messing with my feelings again? I couldn't take him leaving me again. No matter what was between us now I will always love him maybe just as a friend, maybe more. I had always imagined him saying those things and dreamed of the millions of the way he would tell he would always be true to me. I was trying to find the right words from the millions of thoughts in my head to tell him... he was waiting. I had no idea what he was thinking and I wanted to know why he was doing this to me again.

I was torn a big part of me wanted to tell him NO, I wanted to hurt him the way that he hurt me so many times. But then there was the little voice inside my head saying: yes tell him YES. He was still waiting...





Then the phone beeped into my ear, I pulled away and stared













*Incoming call Mr Man*

True goodbyes are the ones never said or explained

Sorrry I haven't posted in a while bss exams are coming up oo iv been trying to study (trying being the key word)

I think it's officialy over with Guy #2 for good. I don't really know, after the last time he's distanced himself from me and he won't talk to me like he did before. I'm kind of glad that this is all over bss I'm also sad in a way I lost a really close friend..
Also I'm driving myself crazy =P adrii its stupid bss I can't help it. What was so wrong with me that he decided to stop?? Did he find someone else or was he just bored with me? I tried confronting him about this:

Me: Halaa2
Guy #2: hi
Me: How are you??
Guy #2: good.. u?
Me: How was ur day?
Guy #2: Good.. urs?
Me: Gooooood bss im really bored theres nothin to do ;(
Guy #2: Aww
Me: ...whats wrong?
Guy #2: nothing
Me: Then talk 3dil!!!
Guy #2: I am
Me: ya3nii ur acting like I'm annoying u
Guy #2: laa2
Me: Oh okay

Thats my confrontation... akeed it doesn't look like much but this how its been for the past week and its driving me nuts so I just give up and I'll try to get on without him.

Bss I really miss him.. I miss how he made me laugh, even how he made me cry sometimes cuz when he tried to make up for it he really made me happy. I miss our stupid conversations and the way that I could understand him and what he was thinking. I don't know what to make of this new Guy #2 its like someones come and replaced my Guy #2 with a stranger I don't know.

I'm not going to give up the friendship I just hope I don't push it too far that he just stops talking to me.

Well thats pretty much it for now.. I notice I haven't gotten any answers from my previous post about the long distance relationship stuff.. have I lost everyones interest? :(

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves

I have been tormenting myself.. over and over again. Guy #1 has a girlfriend now.. but he never told me! I can't even explain how shocked oo sad I felt when I heard from someone else about him. Ya3nii i know its selfish bss its an unwritten rule between us, its always been that way we tell eachother kilshay no matter what.. even if we're in a fight we always help the other if they need us.

And he wouldn't tell me such an important thing?? I want to ask him bss im worried what he will think, wallah i don't like him anymore.

So is it so wrong of me to be insanely jealous of the girl he's with now?

'Layan'.. I was good friends with her, nearly her only girl friend as she prefered to hang out with guys bss she moved and now shes going to uni in US. Ana oo Layan don't talk anymore since she moved bss I need to find out from someone how this all happened oo I don't want to ask Guy #1, so I'm just sitting around making myself miserable. I get long distance relationships oo i think its romantic and all but isn't it hard? I wish it was much simpler bss its not.

I'm not jealous that I don't get to be with him.. its not that ya3nii i do love Guy #1, hes 7ayatii bss I don't want to be that way with him, or anyone else really. I just wish he told me himself not that I had to find it out from someone else. Ww i'm being selfish but I'm scared she'll take up more of his time and we won't be as close anymore. I'm not ready to let that happen no matter what.

So here's my question.. what do you think of long distance relationships? I mean personally I think its so sweet but I don't think I could ever be in one myself. I guess it would be just too hard oo I don't know the guy really has to be worth it.

I'm just hoping I'll figure a way to sneak it out of Guy #1 without having to ask him outright ww update on mr man!! He didn't get the job.

Bss that doesn't mean he hasn't kept in touch ;)

Fallin

I keep on fallin... in and out of love with you
Sometimes I love you, sometimes you make me blue.
Sometimes I feel good, at times I feel used.
Lovin you darlin, makes me so confused

I keep on fallin, in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin you

Oh Oh, I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure, cause me so much pain?
Just when I think, I've taken more than would a fool...
I start fallin back in love with you.

I keep on fallin, in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin you

I keep on fallin, in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin you

This is 'Fallin- Alicia Keys' i really like it right now and i guess it really describes how i feel about guy #2 so yeah

Mr Man

It was a good day. The water was hot in the shower oo i5tii didnt steal my shampoo for once, I was wearing my new silver flats and I looked pretty good if I do say so myself ;D I had work instead of uni that morning and when I got there everybody was really excited.. they were holding interviews cuz someone had just quit.
Then he walked in...
I knew him, of course I knew him. We used to go to school together but he was so much better then I remembered him. I could feel myself turning red and trying to hide from him. Akeed that didn't work, he came right upto my desk with that gorgeous smile of his and those deep brown eyes.. why had I never noticed this before? My heart was pounding as we made small talk, he was there for the interview. I couldn't go through this everyday! As soon as he walked into the office I was punching numbers into the mobile.

Me: Roora!! Roora!
Roora: haaa?
Me: HE'S HERE
Roora: Mino??
Me: Roora ya7mara! (whispers) Mr. Man
Roora: Mino??
Me: Remember he was in school with us? He was 7ILOOO oo i used to talk to him he was the sweetest thing ever bss you wanted to marry him and we fought over who he would marry??
Roora: AAAAHHH
Me: eeeeh adrii
Roora: AAAAHHHH
Me: Roorii shut up
Roora: Did he say anything to you?!
Me: He said I look great
Roora: YA intaay
Me: hehe

We talked about 10 more minutes, remembering old times and gossiping until Mr Man came out of the office and started walking towards my desk again.

Me: Roora he's coming here again.. call you back
Roora: ooooooo2
Me: ya7mara

We talked a little while longer and then exhanged phone numbers.. I didn't think he'd actually call me. Bss the phone rang that night and we talked and talked for 4 hours straight. I haven't talked that much in a looong time and the last time I felt this way about someone he broke my heart (Guy #2).. I'm in real danger for falling for this guy and I don't know if I can go through the hurt again.

Footprints

You walked into my heart

leaving footprints behind,

Making me feel special and warm

loved for and cared for.

Suddenly it was like all I had known was gone

all who I loved abandonded me,

My heart was like glass so fragile

and in a moment you shattered it.

In a moment everything was gone

scattered to the winds,

Just like our everlasting love

gone in an instant forever.

My mind goes over everything

I realise you never cared,

Knowing I must pay the price for my mistakes

I'm glad you made me realise what I had done.

My heart is on the mend

I have begun to rebuild my life,

It will never be the same but

now I know to be careful.

When someone walks into my heart

leaving footprints behind,

I will make sure they are the ones who will stay forever.

A poem by yours truly.. hope you enjoy it. And I'll be back soon with more stories ;D

Not again..

I feel really lost and alone right now.. and I can't tell anyone whats wrong and its all killing me inside. I don't have enough energy to say anything and I know its been too long since I have posted anythin bss i can't right now..

Guy #2 did it again.. he used me and as soon as I feel like we're gettin somewhere bss 5alas hes had his fun oo ana? Who cares? I'm nothing apparently and it all SUCKS.

Back later when I don't feel like im falling down a never ending tunnel of misery

Behind these hazel eyes

Seems like just yesterday, u were a part of me.. I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong. ur arms around me tight everything, it felt so right.. unbreakable, like nothin could go wrong,, now I cant breathe no, I cant sleep... im barely hanging on

Here I am, once again im torn into pieces cant deny it, cant pretend.. just thought u were the one,, broken up deep inside but u wont get to see the tears I cry... behind these hazel eyes...

I told u everythin opened up nd let u in, u made me feel alright for once in my life.. now all thats left of me is what I pretend to be,, so together but so broken up inside.. cuz I cant breathe no, I cant sleep... im barely hanging on
Here I am, once again im torn into pieces cant deny it, cant pretend.. just thought u were the one,, broken up deep inside but u wont get to see the tears I cry... behind these hazel eyes...

Swallow me then spit me out, for hating u I blame myself.. seeing u it kills me now,, no I dont cry on the outside anymore...

Here I am, once again im torn into pieces cant deny it, cant pretend.. just thought u were the one,, broken up deep inside but u wont get to see the tears I cry... behind these hazel eyes...

Eee adrii this song is so old bss that doesnt make it any less nice or the lyrics any more beautifully heartbreaking.. oo it also has a big thing in common with me (apart from the obvious feelings for a guy.. *hint* eye colour *hint*) haha not sure why i told you that kinda in a weird mood,, so yeah my song for you ;D

How could you?

Sorry for not posting lately.. busy week and lots of things to say.

I think I finally realised I can't be in love with Guy #2 anymore.. we can continue to have our thing, I can continue to hope that it means something more to him even though it doesn't. But I finally got it.. while I keep on holding onto to something that honestly and truly is never gonna happen he's gonna go and fall in love again cuz its so easy for him. He doesn't have to think about anything he just does gets what he wants. Let me tell you why..

It was me and my bestfriend at a mall and we were having fun and shopping, oo doing girly stuff. Then we ran into Guy #1 and Guy #2... ana, i froze when I saw them and couldn't think of what to do, bss they came upto us and started to talk. Then I saw Guy #2 starting to use the moves on my bestfriend. I could barely breathe, she was actually flirting back oo soon it became just like the two of them and it was like we were interrupting. My Guy #2 how could you do this to me?! I gave up so much for you wallah you don't know what its like, keeping everything hidden. Living a lie all the time and then pretending its all okay. I do all this bss still its not enough for you? You need someone you can be with publicly and you chose someone so close to me.. how can you not know that would kill me?

I knew there had been something going on between them for a while bss i didn't think anything of it.. i was sure it was just him messing around not making a big deal out of it. I never mentioned anything to my bestfriend I was sure she wasn't that serious about him. But the way she acted now I could see I was so wrong... she was falling for him and falling hard. Just like I had and just like all the girls before us.

I quietly just stepped back and walked off with Guy #1 I couldn't take it anymore, everything was spinning. I got to the car sat in the drivers seat and just fell apart, the tears wouldn't stop and Guy #1 got into the passenger seat and sat there waiting.. my 7ayatii Guy #1 if he wasn't there to calm me down I don't know what I would have done wallah ma adrii.

By the time Guy #2 and my bestfriend had realised we were gone and found us, I pulled myself together and wiped away the cried away make up. Guy #1 kept me from going insane and kept me down to the ground. Bss it still felt like it was all gone and the pain was eating away inside of me. After making Guy #1 swear not to tell anything, and my bestfriend and Guy #2 exchanging numbers I drove the car numbly.. listening to her girly fun about how cute Guy #2 is, I nodded and smiled and laughed in the right places. In my head I was replaying a thousand memories.. every touch, every giggle, every kiss..

As soon as I got home and crawled into bed ready for more tears, with the covers all the way above my head my phone beeped..

Guy #2: are you free tonight? Wallah i miss you, i need to see you.

Looking at the message my eyes blurred up. The same memories came again, the same words he says and I always fall for. Bss then a new memory one from this afternoon, of him smiling at my bestfriend and moving in closer.

I switch off the phone and wait for something, anything.. to make this hurt go away.


P.S. wallah im sorry i know i promised you mr man oo you will get him bss probably after 3id. Im so busy i have no time to do ay shay. So I'll try my best, really I will. Hope you enjoyed this part!!

Hello?

нєℓℓσ.. ιѕ ιт мє уσυяє ℓσσкιηg ƒσя? ι ¢αη ѕєє ιт ιη уσυя єуєѕ, ι ¢αη ѕєє ιт ιη уσυя ѕмιℓє. уσυ'яє αℓℓ ι'νє єνєя ωαηтє∂ η∂ му αямѕ αяє σρєη ωι∂є, вє¢αυѕє уσυ кησω נυѕт ωнαт тσ ѕαу η∂ уσυ кησω נυѕт ωнαт тσ ∂σ. ι ωαηт тσ тєℓℓ уσυ ѕσ мυ¢н... ι ℓσνє уσυ

ι ℓσηg тσ тєℓℓ уσυ тιмє αη∂ тιмє αgαιη, нσω мυ¢н ι ¢αяє.. ѕσмєтιмєѕ ι ƒєєℓ му нєαят ωιℓℓ σνєяƒℓσω, нєℓℓσ.. ι'νє נυѕт gσт тσ ℓєт уσυ кησω. ι ωση∂єя ωнєяє уσυ αяє η∂ ι ωση∂єя ωнαт уσυ ∂σ,, αяє уσυ ѕσмєωнєяє ƒєєℓιηg ℓσηєℓу? σя ιѕ ѕσмєσηє ℓσνιηg уσυ? тєℓℓ мє нσω тσ ωιη уσυя нєαят, ƒσя ι нανєη'т gσт α ¢ℓυє,, вυт ℓєт мє ѕтαят ву ѕαуιηg.... ι ℓσνє уσυ

Yaaah so.. not really in the mood to tell you what happenened after with Guy #1. But I will tell you, I saw Guy #2.. well more like ran into him. I thought by avoiding him I could get rid of these feelings I have for him but that didn't work cuz when I saw him its like my heart exploded. Bss it didn't last very long, I came upto him and talked for a bit but he barely looked at me more than once. That hurts.. really bad.

Don't you like the song? I JUST heard it on the radio and I was about to start crying and that was kinda hard cuz i was driving oo i couldn't see bss yaah 3adii. It's called 'Hello- Lionel Richie' I just wish I could stop feeling the way I did Guy #2 all he ever does is keep on hurting me oo then coming back to do it again.

I'm depressing myself now lol I'm thinking I'll go hang out with the girls now and have a guy bashing session. Not that I have much to say as NO ONE knows ANYTHING about me oo Guy #2 and I can't tell them either. More on Guy #1 and theres something new coming up to!! Mr Man ;) (lame name i know bss 3adii how much can you do from lack of sleep in ramadan?)

And on it goes

So guess what? Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse.. they did. Guy #1 knows about me and Guy #2, he always knew. But now he wants in on it. So I tried it, I didn't want to hurt his feelings and all that but it just doesn't feel as right as it does with Guy #2.. with him I feel like its worth taking the risk and all the crap I put up with. So now I'm stuck and I don't know what to do, cuz I managed to distract Guy #1 and promise him later but I don't want to do anything later or every again. The thing is he's so sweet about it oo 7aram I adore him so much and I don't want to hurt him.

Guy #2 is a different story. He has someone and he loves her like crazy apparently and it makes me sick with jealousy whenever I see the two of them together and I drive myself crazy over him, thinking about the two of them. Bss I can't say anything and I wouldn't ever do that to her because she is a good friend of mine which makes it so much worse. The sick thing is I'm still continuing this thing behind her back and as bad as it sounds to admit it, I love having his attention no matter what way. Its so hard to get it any other way than that. I know, I know I'm an awful person and all that bss I'm crazy about the guy.. I can't help it and he doesn't make it any easier for me.

I have so many more things I want to say but can't right now as I have work ib morning oo my boss will kill me if I'm late again ;). Btw if theres anyone actually reading my posts could you let me know by leaving comments? I want to know I'm not just talkin to myself [a]. Thanks ;D

Why did it have to get so complicated?

It started out innoncently enough.. he was in school with me and for 4 years we barely spoke two words to eachother but through a friend we soon became close.. Lets call him Guy #2 (I'll get to Guy #1 later on).

I trusted him, i told him everything and I grew to love him.. bss not as anything more than friends. He was a player and we both knew it and I promised myself never to become one of those girls that he played. I told him all my thoughts and he thought I was insane but accepted me anyways and that meant so much. I was never really close to any guys before, I considered him MY guy. You know? Not actually mine but MY guy bestfriend. He was smart, funny and really I could see why none of the girls could resist him, but we fought alot too. We both had bad tempers and it clashed at the best of times.

Onto Guy #1, he was almost like Guy #2 but I really fell hard for Guy #1. He always, always listened to my problems no matter how stupid they were and made me feel like he actually cared. Well Guy #2 always suspected my feelings for #1 and hinted at it but I would never admit it. Not that it matter anyways Guy #1 found out anyways and it didn't go so well for me. But I got over him eventually..

It was two summer's ago and I spent most of my nights talking to both my guys on msn, until Guy #2 started something, it changed both of us and I knew it was wrong but I didn't know how to stop it. I can't tell you what it is because it'll give me away but it made everything so complicated. Some days I can't stand the thought of it and other days I don't regret it for a second. I turned into one of the girls that fell for him.. bss not that way so much. It was more of a 'more than friends and less than anything else' relationship. Unfortunately Guy #2 really was a jerk when he tried to be and knew exactly what to do to get to me. He completely and utterly broke my heart and I spent most of my nights crying over it, thankfully I got to be away most of the summer and didn't go online as much. He stopped the thing he started and though I was greatful.. the way he did it hurt me so bad. Then he tried to go back to it, even though I was distant at first and he could see that he hurt me.. but he was still my guy #2 and I couldn't forget that.

I wish I didn't regret what I did because he made me laugh so much. But there was too much secrecy and sneaking around, hurting people we both loved for that. I let him carry on with what he started eventually.. and my life's been a series of messed up events and decisions I regret and mistakes I've made. But those are all other stories for another day..

This Sucks

Okay i'm on holiday and TRYING to use the internet at the hotel's computer in Europe, I can't even friggin sign in.. you know why? Cuz the keyboards are messed up!!! Ya3nii i get it, its europe you like to be different bss how is anyone supposed to use the stupid thing?! I couldn't stand it oo mushkila i think i freaked the poor guy using the other computer out when screamed 'FINE' at the keyboard.

So yeah.. now he thinks i'm crazy too. But seriously, is there anyone else out there who CAN'T STAND THE FREAKING european keyboards??

Loool yeah you guys must think I'm insane too.. but theres alot more of this craziness to come [a]

Just like a pill...

I think I'll get out of here.. where I can run just as fast I can, to the middle of nowhere to the middle of my frustrated fears. And I Swear you're just like a pill.. instead of making me better you keep making me ill.

I keep running everything over again and again in my mind.. it doesn't make sense. Ya3ne was I not good enough for you? I didn't give you everything you needed?

He was and is my everything but I can never admit that to him, and I hate crying nd hurting over him all the time.. he's not worth it bss he is worth it. Adri you have her and you love her.. but what about me? Did the time we spent together not mean anything to you?

You used me and I knew that then and I still know it.. bss i'm going to let you keep on using me cuz im powerless to say no to you and I would give it all up for you. You have no idea how much I risked for you and how stupid i am to do all this when I don't get anything out of it bss a few hours of your love. I need you to leave me and let me move on but i know im gonna hurt so bad without you.

P.S
I think i'll be starting all my blogs with songs from know on, madrii it depends on my mood. This one was 'Just like a pill- Pink'. I'll give you some more info on all this later.. must go now ;D

The Beginning

Hey everyone reading this!! Welcome to my first blog ever.. I've been playing around with the idea of getting a blog for a while oo il youm i though bss 5alas here goes nothing ;D. Well I haven't really thought of anything to say so far..
I'm just so scared of getting caught doing this bss i can't resist, I love taking risks.. really whats life without a few risks? chithii this..
Well this was a completely useless first post haha.. Wallah the next one will be more interesting. Hope u enjoyed my ramblings ;P