Behind these hazel eyes

Seems like just yesterday, u were a part of me.. I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong. ur arms around me tight everything, it felt so right.. unbreakable, like nothin could go wrong,, now I cant breathe no, I cant sleep... im barely hanging on

Here I am, once again im torn into pieces cant deny it, cant pretend.. just thought u were the one,, broken up deep inside but u wont get to see the tears I cry... behind these hazel eyes...

I told u everythin opened up nd let u in, u made me feel alright for once in my life.. now all thats left of me is what I pretend to be,, so together but so broken up inside.. cuz I cant breathe no, I cant sleep... im barely hanging on
Here I am, once again im torn into pieces cant deny it, cant pretend.. just thought u were the one,, broken up deep inside but u wont get to see the tears I cry... behind these hazel eyes...

Swallow me then spit me out, for hating u I blame myself.. seeing u it kills me now,, no I dont cry on the outside anymore...

Here I am, once again im torn into pieces cant deny it, cant pretend.. just thought u were the one,, broken up deep inside but u wont get to see the tears I cry... behind these hazel eyes...

Eee adrii this song is so old bss that doesnt make it any less nice or the lyrics any more beautifully heartbreaking.. oo it also has a big thing in common with me (apart from the obvious feelings for a guy.. *hint* eye colour *hint*) haha not sure why i told you that kinda in a weird mood,, so yeah my song for you ;D

How could you?

Sorry for not posting lately.. busy week and lots of things to say.

I think I finally realised I can't be in love with Guy #2 anymore.. we can continue to have our thing, I can continue to hope that it means something more to him even though it doesn't. But I finally got it.. while I keep on holding onto to something that honestly and truly is never gonna happen he's gonna go and fall in love again cuz its so easy for him. He doesn't have to think about anything he just does gets what he wants. Let me tell you why..

It was me and my bestfriend at a mall and we were having fun and shopping, oo doing girly stuff. Then we ran into Guy #1 and Guy #2... ana, i froze when I saw them and couldn't think of what to do, bss they came upto us and started to talk. Then I saw Guy #2 starting to use the moves on my bestfriend. I could barely breathe, she was actually flirting back oo soon it became just like the two of them and it was like we were interrupting. My Guy #2 how could you do this to me?! I gave up so much for you wallah you don't know what its like, keeping everything hidden. Living a lie all the time and then pretending its all okay. I do all this bss still its not enough for you? You need someone you can be with publicly and you chose someone so close to me.. how can you not know that would kill me?

I knew there had been something going on between them for a while bss i didn't think anything of it.. i was sure it was just him messing around not making a big deal out of it. I never mentioned anything to my bestfriend I was sure she wasn't that serious about him. But the way she acted now I could see I was so wrong... she was falling for him and falling hard. Just like I had and just like all the girls before us.

I quietly just stepped back and walked off with Guy #1 I couldn't take it anymore, everything was spinning. I got to the car sat in the drivers seat and just fell apart, the tears wouldn't stop and Guy #1 got into the passenger seat and sat there waiting.. my 7ayatii Guy #1 if he wasn't there to calm me down I don't know what I would have done wallah ma adrii.

By the time Guy #2 and my bestfriend had realised we were gone and found us, I pulled myself together and wiped away the cried away make up. Guy #1 kept me from going insane and kept me down to the ground. Bss it still felt like it was all gone and the pain was eating away inside of me. After making Guy #1 swear not to tell anything, and my bestfriend and Guy #2 exchanging numbers I drove the car numbly.. listening to her girly fun about how cute Guy #2 is, I nodded and smiled and laughed in the right places. In my head I was replaying a thousand memories.. every touch, every giggle, every kiss..

As soon as I got home and crawled into bed ready for more tears, with the covers all the way above my head my phone beeped..

Guy #2: are you free tonight? Wallah i miss you, i need to see you.

Looking at the message my eyes blurred up. The same memories came again, the same words he says and I always fall for. Bss then a new memory one from this afternoon, of him smiling at my bestfriend and moving in closer.

I switch off the phone and wait for something, anything.. to make this hurt go away.


P.S. wallah im sorry i know i promised you mr man oo you will get him bss probably after 3id. Im so busy i have no time to do ay shay. So I'll try my best, really I will. Hope you enjoyed this part!!

Hello?

нєℓℓσ.. ιѕ ιт мє уσυяє ℓσσкιηg ƒσя? ι ¢αη ѕєє ιт ιη уσυя єуєѕ, ι ¢αη ѕєє ιт ιη уσυя ѕмιℓє. уσυ'яє αℓℓ ι'νє єνєя ωαηтє∂ η∂ му αямѕ αяє σρєη ωι∂є, вє¢αυѕє уσυ кησω נυѕт ωнαт тσ ѕαу η∂ уσυ кησω נυѕт ωнαт тσ ∂σ. ι ωαηт тσ тєℓℓ уσυ ѕσ мυ¢н... ι ℓσνє уσυ

ι ℓσηg тσ тєℓℓ уσυ тιмє αη∂ тιмє αgαιη, нσω мυ¢н ι ¢αяє.. ѕσмєтιмєѕ ι ƒєєℓ му нєαят ωιℓℓ σνєяƒℓσω, нєℓℓσ.. ι'νє נυѕт gσт тσ ℓєт уσυ кησω. ι ωση∂єя ωнєяє уσυ αяє η∂ ι ωση∂єя ωнαт уσυ ∂σ,, αяє уσυ ѕσмєωнєяє ƒєєℓιηg ℓσηєℓу? σя ιѕ ѕσмєσηє ℓσνιηg уσυ? тєℓℓ мє нσω тσ ωιη уσυя нєαят, ƒσя ι нανєη'т gσт α ¢ℓυє,, вυт ℓєт мє ѕтαят ву ѕαуιηg.... ι ℓσνє уσυ

Yaaah so.. not really in the mood to tell you what happenened after with Guy #1. But I will tell you, I saw Guy #2.. well more like ran into him. I thought by avoiding him I could get rid of these feelings I have for him but that didn't work cuz when I saw him its like my heart exploded. Bss it didn't last very long, I came upto him and talked for a bit but he barely looked at me more than once. That hurts.. really bad.

Don't you like the song? I JUST heard it on the radio and I was about to start crying and that was kinda hard cuz i was driving oo i couldn't see bss yaah 3adii. It's called 'Hello- Lionel Richie' I just wish I could stop feeling the way I did Guy #2 all he ever does is keep on hurting me oo then coming back to do it again.

I'm depressing myself now lol I'm thinking I'll go hang out with the girls now and have a guy bashing session. Not that I have much to say as NO ONE knows ANYTHING about me oo Guy #2 and I can't tell them either. More on Guy #1 and theres something new coming up to!! Mr Man ;) (lame name i know bss 3adii how much can you do from lack of sleep in ramadan?)

And on it goes

So guess what? Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse.. they did. Guy #1 knows about me and Guy #2, he always knew. But now he wants in on it. So I tried it, I didn't want to hurt his feelings and all that but it just doesn't feel as right as it does with Guy #2.. with him I feel like its worth taking the risk and all the crap I put up with. So now I'm stuck and I don't know what to do, cuz I managed to distract Guy #1 and promise him later but I don't want to do anything later or every again. The thing is he's so sweet about it oo 7aram I adore him so much and I don't want to hurt him.

Guy #2 is a different story. He has someone and he loves her like crazy apparently and it makes me sick with jealousy whenever I see the two of them together and I drive myself crazy over him, thinking about the two of them. Bss I can't say anything and I wouldn't ever do that to her because she is a good friend of mine which makes it so much worse. The sick thing is I'm still continuing this thing behind her back and as bad as it sounds to admit it, I love having his attention no matter what way. Its so hard to get it any other way than that. I know, I know I'm an awful person and all that bss I'm crazy about the guy.. I can't help it and he doesn't make it any easier for me.

I have so many more things I want to say but can't right now as I have work ib morning oo my boss will kill me if I'm late again ;). Btw if theres anyone actually reading my posts could you let me know by leaving comments? I want to know I'm not just talkin to myself [a]. Thanks ;D

Why did it have to get so complicated?

It started out innoncently enough.. he was in school with me and for 4 years we barely spoke two words to eachother but through a friend we soon became close.. Lets call him Guy #2 (I'll get to Guy #1 later on).

I trusted him, i told him everything and I grew to love him.. bss not as anything more than friends. He was a player and we both knew it and I promised myself never to become one of those girls that he played. I told him all my thoughts and he thought I was insane but accepted me anyways and that meant so much. I was never really close to any guys before, I considered him MY guy. You know? Not actually mine but MY guy bestfriend. He was smart, funny and really I could see why none of the girls could resist him, but we fought alot too. We both had bad tempers and it clashed at the best of times.

Onto Guy #1, he was almost like Guy #2 but I really fell hard for Guy #1. He always, always listened to my problems no matter how stupid they were and made me feel like he actually cared. Well Guy #2 always suspected my feelings for #1 and hinted at it but I would never admit it. Not that it matter anyways Guy #1 found out anyways and it didn't go so well for me. But I got over him eventually..

It was two summer's ago and I spent most of my nights talking to both my guys on msn, until Guy #2 started something, it changed both of us and I knew it was wrong but I didn't know how to stop it. I can't tell you what it is because it'll give me away but it made everything so complicated. Some days I can't stand the thought of it and other days I don't regret it for a second. I turned into one of the girls that fell for him.. bss not that way so much. It was more of a 'more than friends and less than anything else' relationship. Unfortunately Guy #2 really was a jerk when he tried to be and knew exactly what to do to get to me. He completely and utterly broke my heart and I spent most of my nights crying over it, thankfully I got to be away most of the summer and didn't go online as much. He stopped the thing he started and though I was greatful.. the way he did it hurt me so bad. Then he tried to go back to it, even though I was distant at first and he could see that he hurt me.. but he was still my guy #2 and I couldn't forget that.

I wish I didn't regret what I did because he made me laugh so much. But there was too much secrecy and sneaking around, hurting people we both loved for that. I let him carry on with what he started eventually.. and my life's been a series of messed up events and decisions I regret and mistakes I've made. But those are all other stories for another day..

This Sucks

Okay i'm on holiday and TRYING to use the internet at the hotel's computer in Europe, I can't even friggin sign in.. you know why? Cuz the keyboards are messed up!!! Ya3nii i get it, its europe you like to be different bss how is anyone supposed to use the stupid thing?! I couldn't stand it oo mushkila i think i freaked the poor guy using the other computer out when screamed 'FINE' at the keyboard.

So yeah.. now he thinks i'm crazy too. But seriously, is there anyone else out there who CAN'T STAND THE FREAKING european keyboards??

Loool yeah you guys must think I'm insane too.. but theres alot more of this craziness to come [a]

Just like a pill...

I think I'll get out of here.. where I can run just as fast I can, to the middle of nowhere to the middle of my frustrated fears. And I Swear you're just like a pill.. instead of making me better you keep making me ill.

I keep running everything over again and again in my mind.. it doesn't make sense. Ya3ne was I not good enough for you? I didn't give you everything you needed?

He was and is my everything but I can never admit that to him, and I hate crying nd hurting over him all the time.. he's not worth it bss he is worth it. Adri you have her and you love her.. but what about me? Did the time we spent together not mean anything to you?

You used me and I knew that then and I still know it.. bss i'm going to let you keep on using me cuz im powerless to say no to you and I would give it all up for you. You have no idea how much I risked for you and how stupid i am to do all this when I don't get anything out of it bss a few hours of your love. I need you to leave me and let me move on but i know im gonna hurt so bad without you.

P.S
I think i'll be starting all my blogs with songs from know on, madrii it depends on my mood. This one was 'Just like a pill- Pink'. I'll give you some more info on all this later.. must go now ;D

The Beginning

Hey everyone reading this!! Welcome to my first blog ever.. I've been playing around with the idea of getting a blog for a while oo il youm i though bss 5alas here goes nothing ;D. Well I haven't really thought of anything to say so far..
I'm just so scared of getting caught doing this bss i can't resist, I love taking risks.. really whats life without a few risks? chithii this..
Well this was a completely useless first post haha.. Wallah the next one will be more interesting. Hope u enjoyed my ramblings ;P